When I became a Christian an inner transformation started to take place, I knew that I fell short of the character God wanted me to have, I knew I needed to be a better person, turn my back on my old life and walk courageously into my new one.
How could I be a better person? He knew I’d tried, I was at all of the church meetings, I was the first to volunteer my time, I worked for charities in my ‘spare’ time, I donated my money, I blessed people with things they might need, why was I still not changing from within?
I’d get frustrated then and I would give up on myself. After a bad day, I’d turn to alcohol, open a bottle of wine whilst cooking dinner, which would quite often turn into 2 bottles, think over all of the naff things that had happened through the day, pity myself and beat myself up. Then, this would turn into anger which caused friction in my marriage, because I was frustrated with myself I’d be frustrated with my husband and kids too, and there it was a nice big destructive cycle.
Along comes the guilt and I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I’d be writing destructive things about myself in my journal, I’d be telling myself how horrible I was, and the next day I’d be back to the feet of Jesus on my knees the next day asking why?
After a while, once I was prepared to listen, He started to reveal to me why this was, in my heart I heard, “you can NOT earn my love, it’s a gift, you must accept it.”
Look what it says here, God tells us I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself.” – Jeremiah 31:3 NLT
God already HAS given us His love, we didn’t DO anything for it He just DOES. No matter how hard I try, no matter what good works I do, I can not earn His love.
It doesn’t work like it does in the world, you meet someone and fall a little bit in love with them and as the days, weeks, months and years go by you fall deeper and deeper. No, not with God, He loved us before we were born.
No matter how rubbish I feel about me, He loves me, That’s ace! His grace is covering me, and that helps me to live aligned with His will.
Now I know this I’m so joyful, joyful because I have God in my life, I don’t falter because I’m too joyful, I’ve no need to dislike myself in the way that I used to, not only does God love me more than I can possibly imagine, He has given me the ability to love me too, and I accept that I am made in His image, I carry godlike character within me to help to radiate His love to the world, how amazing is that?
I still have bad days at work, but they don’t affect me like they used to because I have a peace within me that helps me to establish what matters and what doesn’t, I know that whatever the issue God will show me what to do. I don’t get angry at others or myself because He has given me The Grace to forgive, the patience to endure frustrating situations, because I don’t get so frustrated and angry anymore I don’t drink to mask those feelings, and in turn I don’t lose my temper and because I don’t lose my temper I’m no longer feeling guilty, because I don’t feel guilty I don’t dislike myself and I can see through His eyes the person He is pursuing me to be.
Each and every day I thank God for His intervention and live under His grace. We really are loved beyond our own comprehension, we can’t earn more of our Fathers love, once we have this revelation things will change, they have for me and pray they do for you too. He loved us first. Amen. 💕💕